Please Don't Hear What I'm Not Saying...

We live in a loud, polarized, messy world. Misunderstandings happen fast. People react before they reflect. In this kind of environment, communication isn’t just important, it’s fragile. This is especially true within the places & spaces we inhabit like family, neighborhoods, and the workplace.

That’s why the phrase “Don’t hear what I’m not saying” matters so much with our relationships. This phrase is probably the most common phrase that my team hears from me. So much so that I'm hearing them repeat it to their teams. I'm glad about that.

Here is what it means: What we say isn’t always what others hear.

People rarely listen with a blank slate. They enter conversations with inner narratives already shaping their narrative, much of which we cannot control or see coming:

• A rough day

• Past hurts

• Insecurity

• Family stress

• Feeling unheard or overlooked

• Work pressure or burnout

• Previous conflict with you (or someone else)

• Cultural or generational differences

• Fear of being judged

• Personal disappointment or failure

• Social media noise and comparison

• Financial stress

• Health issues (mental or physical)

• Grief or loss

• Low trust from past leadership experiences

• Fatigue or overwhelm

• Miscommunication from earlier this week

• Hidden expectations

• Internal assumptions about your motives

I wonder if you can relate to any, or many of these? So you know, my conviction intensified the longer that last got! There is a lot going on in this big head of mine!

Listen, each of us have experienced any of these and carried them into our own contexts. So, it should be no surprise that any of these compete with the message we’re trying to share. Sometimes our words even feed the listener’s internal story, causing them to hear something we never really intended. Things are being heard that are not being said. You see the complication?

Great leaders understand this: effective communication isn’t just about just speaking clearly, it’s about being received accurately.

Communication is an art. Mature communicators recognize there are emotions, filters, and stories at work in every listener. So instead of assuming they’re being understood, they anticipate misunderstanding.

They slow down.

They clarify.

They seek to understand their audience.

They even call it out to make sure the message lands where it was meant to land.

I love how 19th-century American lawman James Humes captures this idea so simply:

“The art of communication is the language of leadership.” - James Humes

If that’s true, then great leadership requires great communication. Would you agree? I'm guessing that you do. Praying that becomes more and more true for you and me as we grow as communicators. Peace & love. ~ Paul