The Three Ways We Attach to God — And Why It Matters More Than We Admit

When my friend Jimmy told me he was reading Steps by John Ortberg, I jumped in too. He didn't really invite me to read the book with him. I'm just a huge John Ortberg reader/listener, so I knew it had to be a good read.

A few chapters into this book, I was confronted by Ortberg’s section on attachment. Three types of attachment: secure, anxious, and avoidant. I have to say that while reading this section, it felt like Ortberg pulled language straight from places I hadn’t fully acknowledged in myself.

Each of these attachment types were like mirrors for me. And sometimes mirrors tell the truth before we’re ready to fully see it. Have you ever had one of those magnifying mirrors expose something on your face? Yea, me too! Not fun.

Here are the three attachment types he describes:

1. Secure attachment: The way it is supposed to be. Secure attachment is what our souls were built for. That is, trusting God without bargaining, hiding, or performing. It’s the quiet confidence that God's got us and we're safe, even when life gets sideways and seems like it's spinning out of control.

People with secure attachment don’t need to pretend with God. They bring their real selves (the courage, the confusion, the questions) and somehow walk away more whole than they arrived.

It’s the posture that I sometimes get right but often times long for. If we're honest, many of us long for this security… but few of us naturally live in.

2. Anxious Attachment: This is the person who is constantly wrestling. This one feels uncomfortably familiar to me. I will obey, but I'll fight the entire time until I'm just exhausted. Like a baby who inherently knows they need the nap, struggling until they pass out. Hah! That's me! Anxious attachment clings tightly but never quite feels settled. It obeys God, yes... but often with a trail or tremor of doubt underneath.

Did I hear Him right?

Was that my voice or his voice?

Is He still with me?

I know He's still with me...I think...but why is He so silent!?

Am I about to mess everything up?

It’s love mixed with fear. Faith tied up with second guessing. I loved this quote in the book:

“Transformation doesn’t begin with strength. It begins with surrender.” - John Ortberg

And surrender is exactly what anxious souls struggle with. We want assurance before stepping, clarity before trusting. Dude, I get this one! More than I’d like to admit.

3. Avoidant Attachment: This is the person who quietly pulls back. Avoidant attachment doesn’t reject God. It just keeps Him at arm’s length. These are the folks who stay busy, competent, & spiritually responsible. But emotionally, they are unavailable.

They read Scripture but avoid silence.

They serve but avoid vulnerability.

They talk about God but rarely talk to Him at a depth that risks anything real.

It’s not rebellion; it’s self-protection disguised as maturity.

Where Do You Fit?

Secure, anxious, avoidant. One of these likely tugged at you as you read. Follow that tug. It might be the Spirit nudging you toward the next step in healing.

And by the way, the attachment style you immediately identify with isn’t your destiny. It’s just a starting point.

So, may God pull you beyond whatever default attachment you have, into a deeper level of belief and trust. I think that is what we are all homesick for.

Peace and love to you all. ~ Paul

“The father (of a very sick boy) instantly cried out, ‘I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!’” - Mark 9:24 (NLT)