Unpacking the Beautiful Mess of Marriage: Four Non-Transactional Truths

I was asked the other day to speak at a 20-year vow renewal.  In fact, I’ve been asked quite a bit lately about marriage lately. To be honest, I don’t always feel like I’m the best at it. Maybe there’s still some insecurity that I don’t have it all figured out.

Even so, I find it easier to put language to my thoughts through writing than by offering quick, in the moment advice. This is my best attempt to unpack some helpful truths using my own beautiful mess as a guide. I hope it brings you value.

Becky and I have been married 32 years. She is my best friend. We’ve managed to raise four fantastic children without killing them, so we have that going for us. Becky and I share a strong faith, have great intimacy and we still have a great time together laughing at the insanity of our lives. Still, it’s not perfect and can be a bit messy at times.

If I had to summarize

marriage in a sentence, I’d do it this way:  marriage isn’t just transactional, it’s spiritual. At this point in my life, nothing could convince me otherwise. And to hold that truth steady, I’d offer four legs to stand on:

Truth # 1: Someone to share your life with. God said it’s not good for us to be alone. Marriage gives companionship, not just someone who witnesses your days, but someone who walks through them with you.

Truth # 2: Someone to serve. Scripture says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). That’s not a transaction; it’s sacrificial love. In marriage, we serve not to bargain, but to embody grace.

Truth # 3: Someone to complement and complete you. None of us are finished products. Becky has revealed blind spots, encouraged gifts, and balanced me in ways I could never have managed alone. God often uses my wife to work out the rough spots in my own life and development. I know that He’s doing that through me in her life as well.

Truth # 4: Someone to help you become more like Jesus. At its core, marriage is about transformation. A spouse sharpens, humbles, and points you back toward the way of Jesus when you drift. Your end goal is NOT happiness, it’s holiness. That is, becoming more like Jesus. Holiness can lead to happiness but happiness does not lead to holiness.

So yes, there are practical commitments and give-and-take. But that’s not the essence. The essence is spiritual: two lives interlaced together by God, not just for mutual benefit, but for mutual becoming.

May God help you and your partner lean in to this posture. Peace and love to you.

~ Paul